IRON MAN 2

IT IS TO MY SURPRISE AND SERIOUS FUCKING DISAPPOINTMENT TO REPORT TO YOU LADIES AND GENTLEMEN THAT IRON MAN 2 PROBABLY HAS THE LOWEST RATE OF OWNINGS PER MINUTE OF ANY BIG SHIT SUMMERTIME BLOCKBUSTER THAT I EVER REMEMBER SEEING. FOR REAL NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS FOR LIKE AN HOUR AND A HALF JUST JACK FUCKING SHIT GOING ON ON THE SCREEN AND THE ONLY ACTION THAT DOES GO ON IS THAT FORMULA 1 RACETRACK SHIT YOU ALL SAW IN THE TRAILERS BACK IN LIKE 2004 SO ITS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. IT STARTS OUT WITH ROURKE AWESOME AS ALWAYS WEARING SHIT THATS OBVIOUSLY STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS OWN FUCKING CLOSET PLUS HES DONE UP EASTERN PROMISES STYLE WITH RUSSIAN GANGSTER TATTOOS AND SHIT AND WE ALL KNOW MOVIES NEED MORE RUSSIAN GANGSTERS

MORE OF THIS SHIT

LESS OF THIS SHIT

SO ROURKES BUILDING SOME HIGH TECH SHIT IN A MONTAGE WITH METAL RIFFS AND LIKE OPERA AND SHIT BLASTING ON THE SOUNDTRACK AND ITS LIKE FUCK YEAH THIS GUY IS GOING TO BRING THE PAIN. BUT THEN ALL THAT POTENTIAL OWNAGE COMES CRASHING TO A HALT WHEN ROBERT DOWNEY JR SHOWS UP FOR SENATE HEARINGS THAT ARE BORING AS FUCK AND GO ON FOREVER

PURE FUCKING MOVIE MAGIC

AND BASICALLY THATS IT. ROBERT DOWNEY JR SPENDS THE NEXT FUCKING HUNDRED MINUTES CHILLING IN HIS AWESOME PAD DRINKING EXPENSIVE SHIT AND WE DONT SEE IRON MAN DO A GODDAMN FUCKING THING. HE DOESNT ROLL INTO IRAN AND BLOW SHIT UP HE DOESNT HEAD OVER TO NORTH KOREA TO SHOW THEM WHO THE FUCKING BIG DOGS ARE AND HE DOESNT FLY TO AFGHANISTAN AND SET THE ENTIRE POPULACE ON FIRE HE DOESNT DO ANY OF THAT SHIT. WERE JUST SUPPOSED TO TAKE THE MOVIE ON ITS WORD THAT ONE ASSHOLE IN A MECH SUIT IS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE REST OF THE WORLD PISS THEMSELVES IN FEAR. AND ITS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IM HERE TO SEE SOME ACTION IM HERE TO SEE SOME VIOLENCE IM HERE TO SEE SOME OWNINGS AND IF I WANTED TO PAY GOOD MONEY TO SEE SOMEONE SIT AROUND BEING DRUNK AND AWESOME ID GET SOME MIRRORS INSTALLED UP IN THIS PIECE

SO ANYWAY SAM ROCKWELLS ONHAND BEING A ROD AND ROURKE JUST KINDA CHECKS OUT OF THE MOVIE FOR AWHILE. YOU GOT SCARLETT JOHANSSON HANGING AROUND BEING HOT BUT SHE HAS EXACTLY DICK TO DO EXCEPT OWN JON FAVREAU AND IM THINKING THAT GUY HAS SELF ESTEEM ISSUES OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE HES DIRECTING THE FUCKING MOVIE AND ALL HE DOES IS LET HIMSELF GET OWNED. HE FINALLY THROWS THE FUCK DOWN OLD SCHOOL DIRTY BOXING STYLE AT THE END BUT EVEN THATS JUST TO MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE COMPARED TO SCARLETT. I MEAN FAVREAU SEEMS LIKE AN AWESOME DUDE SOMEONE COOL TO HANG OUT WITH WHO PROBABLY WOULDNT TRY TO FUCK YOUR GIRLFRIEND BUT IF IM IN A MOVIE THAT IM DIRECTING ALL THAT NICE GUY SHIT GOES OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW AND IF SCARLETT JOHANNSON WANTS TO STEP INTO THE RING WITH ME SHES GONNA END UP ON HER FUCKING BACK. AND PROBABLY ON ALL FOURS TOO

FAST FUCKING LEARNER

ANYWAY PROBABLY THE BIGGEST SIN THIS MOVIE COMMITS IS THAT IT PASSES UP AN OPPORTUNITY FOR UNPRECEDENTED CARNAGE. TOWARDS THE END AS ROURKES PLAN LOCKS INTO PLACE I WAS ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT THINKING OH MY GOD THIS IS GONNA BE OWNAGE ON A GENOCIDAL SCALE AND ALREADY IN MY MIND I WAS HAVING VISIONS OF MURDER MAYHEM BODIES LITTERING THE STREETS AND INNOCENT BYSTANDERS GETTING KNOCKED ON THEIR ASS AND TRAMPLED. IT WAS LIKE FUCK YEAH AFTER SITTING HERE THROUGH AN HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES OF ROBERT DOWNEY JR AND SAM ROCKWELL TRYING TO OUTDOUCHE EACH OTHER IM FINALLY GOING TO GET WHAT I FUCKING PAID FOR. BUT FUCK NO. FUCKING THING LIMPS ACROSS THE FINISH LINE AND I SAT THERE FUCKING PISSED AND IF I HADNT FINISHED MY 44 OZ ICEE TEN MINUTES AFTER THE MOVIE STARTED YOU BETTER BELIEVE THERE WOULDVE BEEN A GREAT BIG CHERRY RED STREAK RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE OF THAT FUCKING MOVIE SCREEN

FINAL JUDGMENT: OPTIONAL


ALSO CONTRARY TO WHAT THE ONION SAID GWYNETH PALTROW DOESNT GET PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND THAT FUCKING PISSED ME OFF TOO

MONTY PYTHON

OKAY SO I WAS OUT WITH THIS CHICA EARLIER THIS WEEK AND SHES KINDA LIKE A LAB TECH TYPE CHICK WITH GLASSES AND HAIR TIED BACK NOT REALLY GIVING A FUCK ALL CARRYING ON ABOUT THE TV SHOW BIG BANG THEORY WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS. THEN SHE STARTED BUSTING OUT IMPRESSIONS ALL THESE WACK BRITISH VOICES AND CARRYING ON AND SHIT AND I WAS LIKE WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THAT AND SHE WAS LIKE YOU DONT KNOW ABOUT MONTY PYTHON AND I WAS LIKE FUCK NO BECAUSE I DONT WATCH WACK SHIT. DONT KNOW DONT CARE CANT WATCH IT DONT GIVE A FUCK. SO SHE STARTS EXPLAINING IT ALL TO ME AND SHES PRATTLING THE FUCK ON AND THEN I STARTED TO REALIZE WAIT HOLY SHIT I KINDA KNOW WHAT SHES TALKING ABOUT HERE. BUT NOT BECAUSE I EVER SAW ANY OF IT. BASICALLY I ABSORBED IT THROUGH THE INTERNET AND MOVIES AND TSHIRTS AND GEEKY MOTHERFUCKERS TALKING ABOUT IT AND SHIT LIKE THAT AND I WAS LIKE WOW ALL THIS BULLSHIT ABOUT THE BLACK KNIGHT AND WHATEVER OTHER FUCKING STUPID AND WACK SHIT IS TAKING UP MY BRAINSPACE. ITS BULLSHIT

THE POINT IS THIS. FUCK SECONDHAND SMOKE THE REAL THREAT IS SECONDHAND WACKNESS

Breaking Bad 3.5: "Mas"

Grade: A. I was like "A+!" about a minute and twelve seconds into it but it sank from excellence into solidness after the AWESOME flashback sequence. So it goes.

Since this review is so late (apologies, loyal readers) I'll just give a couple theories about broader themes of the episode, and then a collection of random observations.

Themes: Skyler, turnaround, blah blah blah. I liked that this episode was so Skyler focused after last week's hate-on-Skyler fest. I liked that Marie's phone convo with Skyler made us think that the point of it was that Marie was having trouble with her marriage and Skyler was going to console her mid-cheating on her OWN marriage, but then turned abruptly to some realization. I also was really interested by the fact that the episode started off with that flashback. (My first thought was: It's nice that Jesse had friends, at least.) What's the point? Jesse fucked Walt over, so now Walt is fucking Jesse over? Is that supposed to make us more sympathetic to Walt? (I fucking hate Walt at this point.) It's obvious that Jesse's carefree youthful debauchery at strip club is presented as much more forgivable than Walt's backstabbing--especially when we contrast it with Jesse's current miserable condition. Also, I was moderately surprised that Breaking Bad used a flashback--I feel like the show usually assumes its viewers are familiar with every minutiae of the canon.

Also, I've never been in a strip club but I feel like that place looks a lot better on the inside than it does on the outside. Is that, like, normal?

Random thoughts:

-Jesse sounded a lot like Walt when he was railing on the phone about the RV. "My RV, my money" or something, and "Escalate THIS!" Hmm . . .
- So THAT'S where the money Ted's been shifting around is going, huh?
- Nice bracelets Skyler
- So Gomez's first name is Steven! Did we know that? I was totally delighted by that because that's so true to life that Hank would ONLY call him by his last name and Marie goes "Steven." Gender stereotype but it's true.
- Walt's speech to Mr. Fring about being perceived as selfish came absolutely out of nowhere. I guess we can conclude that Walt feels guilty about how selfish he is being, and is projecting that onto Fring? Incidentally about 30 seconds prior I had scrawled down "Walt's a selfish motherfucker" on my index card notes. Good call, Walt.
- The lab Fring set up looks EXACTLY like a cartoon superhero lair. Or something out of Tintin. I was entertained.
- Awwwwwwwwwwwwww Combo liked KRS-ONE.
- Finally, that shower. Hank and Marie's shower is like the wackest shower I've ever seen. Either it has shitty, shitty water pressure (which I guess is not that surprising, for New Mexico? Never been to NM but that's what CA is like), or it was a ridiculously false effect where they just had water noise. Notice that the hanging shelf thing must have been hanging off the shower head so we should have SEEN the water. But we didn't. Yet Hank was wet. What the fuck? I may be nitpicking but thinking about the wackness of the shower distracted me the whole goddamn scene, which probably isn't what they were going for. And why do they have a handicap bar in there? What a mystery.

So finally--Jesse Jesse Jesse. The entire time Hank was walking over to the picture I was like "Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no" out loud (but more times than that). I hope he ditches the RV. I DON'T WANT JESSE TO GO TO JAIL. I mean, I have to marry him and all. But in all seriousness, I'm really pleased that the plot is progressing like that. The hot-on-the-trail thing is totally as good a plot accelerator as lung cancer was.

I DEFER TO CAGE

KICKASS

THIS GOT OFF TO A GOOD START WHEN I HIT THE THEATER AT NOON AND THE SMOKIN HOT POPCORN GIRL WAS LIKE SO WHATS UP YOU PLAYING HOOKY TO SEE KICKASS AND I WAS LIKE FUCK YEAH HOTNESS YOU SHOULD COME DO THE SAME BECAUSE NONE OF THESE FAT FUCKS NEED POPCORN ANYWAY. SHE COULDNT COME ALONG BUT SHE GAVE ME A FREE MOUNTAIN DEW SO FUCK YEAH I WENT IN THERE WITH GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN OR AT LEAST CHICAS

ANYWAY THE MOVIE ANSWERS A QUESTION THAT IVE WONDERED ABOUT A LOT AND THAT IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING THATS COMPLETELY WACK AND INJECT IT WITH HARDCORE UNADULTERATED UNCUT FUCKING OWNAGE. IN THE CASE OF KICKASS YOU HAVE SOME WACKASS SPIDERMAN TYPE SHIT TAKING PLACE IN NEW YORK CITY ABOUT SOME DOUCHEY KID WHO ROCKS SOME AWESOME CLARENCE BODDICKER STYLE GLASSES THAT HE DOESNT REALLY NEED PLUS HE JACKS OFF ALL THE TIME. HES A STUTTERING DUMB FUCK AROUND THIS GIRL THAT HE LIKES AND HE HANGS OUT WITH SOME RAINN WILSON LOOKING TOOL AND SOME OTHER MOTHERFUCKER WHO I GUESS IS MUTE AND THEYRE ALWAYS BREAKING HIS BALLS ABOUT THIS OR THAT AND FINALLY HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO FOR NO GOOD FUCKING REASON SO ITS ALL SOME PRETTY BASIC SHIT COMPLETE WITH A DRONINGASS VOICEOVER THAT NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT

ALL THATS FINE AND FUCKING DANDY BUT ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO IT I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK BECAUSE THIS WAS DIRECTED BY MATTHEW LAYER CAKE VAUGHN AND I KEEP HEARING ABOUT HOW ITS OWNAGE BUT SO FAR IT JUST LOOKS LIKE SUPERHERO MOVIE TO ME RIGHT DOWN TO THE UNFUNNY JOKES AND THE STUPIDASS GREEN COSTUME SO IM ABOUT READY TO WALK THE FUCK OUT

BASICALLY ITS THE SAME SHIT

THEN OUT COMES GOD CAGE IN A FAKE STACHE LEVELING A PISTOL AT A LITTLE GIRL AND MARK STRONG RUNNING SHIT LIKE THE AWESOME TALL BALD FUCK THAT HE IS PLUS JACKIE APRILE SR CALLING PEOPLE SCUMBAG IN HIS MOOKASS NEW YORK ACCENT AND IM LIKE ABOUT FUCKING TIME AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GETTING STABBED AND SHOT AND BEAT ALL TO FUCK AND ITS A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER OF OWNAGE BASICALLY FROM THEN ON OUT

NOW THE BIG DEAL IN THE MOVIE IS HITGIRL WHOS CAGES DAUGHTER AND SHES THIS ELEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO IS A FUCKING WHIRLING DERVISH OF MASS MURDER AND OWNAGE. SHE SHOOTS FUCKERS STABS FUCKERS BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE AND CAN EVEN MAKE PEOPLE BLOW THEIR OWN FUCKING BRAINS OUT AND BASICALLY SHE WILL FUCK YOU UP AND EVERYBODY YOU KNOW AND SHE WONT EVEN GIVE A FUCK PLUS SHE CAN TAKE A BEATING LIKE MOTHERFUCKING MICK FOLEY. ALREADY ALL OVER THE INTERNET I SEE PEOPLE PISSING AND MOANING ABOUT THIS LITTLE GIRL DEALING RUTHLESS OWNINGS WHOLESALE AND DROPPING THE FUCKWORD EVERY OTHER SENTENCE. THESE PEOPLE ARE BITCHES AND SHOULD NOT BE RECOGNIZED. HITGIRL IS THE REAL STAR OF THIS SHIT NOT THAT DOUCHE IN THE LEAD OR EVEN ANY OF THE AWESOME ACTORS IN IT BECAUSE THIS LITTLE CHICA IS OWNAGE IN GIRL SCOUT FORM AND I ALWAYS WANTED A SON BUT AFTER SEEING THIS SHIT I THINK ID ALMOST RATHER FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF CAGE AND RAISE A DAUGHTER IN THE WAYS OF DOMINANCE AND CARNAGE AND KNIFE FIGHTING

OWNAGE

IM ALSO GONNA SEE ABOUT GETTING A STROBE ATTACHMENT FOR MY .45 BECAUSE THAT THING FUCKING OWNED

NOW I WANNA MAKE A POINT RIGHT NOW ITS NOT ALL AWESOMENESS IN FACT ONCE RED MIST HITS THE SCENE I WAS LIKE WHOA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO THIS MOVIE BECAUSE RED MIST AND THE ASSHOLE WHO PLAYS HIM IS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT ALL LOOKING LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN BITCHASS NITE OWL FROM WATCHMEN AND MARILYN MANSON ON THAT ALBUM COVER WHERE HE HAS TITS. AND WHEN THEYRE CRUISING AROUND IN THAT FRUITYASS MISTMOBILE GROOVING TO THE SONG CRAZY BY THOSE TWO ASSHOLES WHO WERE ALWAYS DRESSING UP LIKE CLOCKWORK ORANGE BACK IN 2006 OR WHENEVER THE FUCK I WAS ABOUT READY TO LAUNCH MY 44 OZ MOUNTAIN DEW AT THE SCREEN. SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY PAINFULLY WACK SHIT AND WHEN THIS COMES OUT ON DVD IM GONNA MAKE MY OWN DIRECTORS CUT AND CHOP ALL THAT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT

RED MIST AND HIS FAT CHICK HAIR

MORE WACKNESS IS THAT THEY RECYCLED THE MUSIC FROM 28 DAYS LATER AND 28 WEEKS LATER BECAUSE ITS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ITS BAD ENOUGH WHEN THEY USE THE SAME SONG AS ANOTHER MOVIE BUT THIS IS THE SAME SCORE AND REALLY ITS JUST SOME LURCHING ASS METAL RIFFS SO ALL YOU DIRECTORS OUT THERE READING THIS DONT LOOT AWESOME MUSIC FROM OTHER MOVIES WHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE METAL JUST GIVE KERRY FUCKING KING A CALL TO LAY DOWN SOME TRACKS FOR YOU OR EVEN CHARLIE CLOUSER. I MEAN ITS ONE THING WHEN YOURE USING SOME AWESOME SHIT LIKE THE THEME FROM FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE BECAUSE IT AINT LIKE ENNIO MORRICONE GROWS ON TREES BUT METAL TRACKS SHOULD BE A LITTLE EASIER TO COME BY

IM ALSO GONNA MAKE NOTE TO THE FACT THAT MOST OF THE VIOLENCE AND OWNAGE IS MORE LIKE WANTED STYLE KINDA PLASTIC AND SLICK AND THATS FINE BUT I PREFER MY VIOLENCE TO BE MORE LIKE OUT FOR JUSTICE OR THE SHIELD OR GOODFELLAS JUST DOWN AND DIRTY AND HARDCORE AND MESSY. BUT THATS MY OWN PREFERENCE AND YOU CAN LIKE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT

ANYWAY WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE THIS THING IS A SOLID B MOSTLY BECAUSE OF HITGIRL AND ALL THE MAYHEM ON DISPLAY

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans

Hey guys I just watched this awesome movie called Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans and smoked crack it's a really good movie it has Nicholas Cage and he's a bad lieutenant and he smokes crack and does other drugs because he has a bad back I don't have a bad back but still

I was going to try and write an entire post in "crack talking" but honestly, no one wants that. Anyway, I really dig this movie and I think it's probably destined to be some kind of "cult classic" much more so than the original which is much less "fun," in the conventional sense. Cage's character, despite being a pretty unambiguous scumbag for most of the movie, is intensely likable. Much like the characters that Klaus Kinski plays in Werner Herzog's other movies with him, Cage is a force of nature who you can't help but like even when he's doing despicable things. He even looks like Kinski in a few particularly wild-eyed moments. As much as I like the movie I can't help but imagine what a 70s cop movie directed by Herzog and starring Kinski would have been like. Answer: amazing.

A lot of the reviews for this movie are saying that Cage is the only reason to watch, or that he elevates the material, and shit like that. I find this condescending and misguided. First of all, there are other entertaining performances in the movie from Michael Shannon, Val Kilmer, and whoever that "whoa yeah" guy is (I'm not doing research for a blog that doesn't even have ads anymore - more on that later). Herzog is in top form as well, with lots of nifty long takes (which I am a sucker for) and other memorable visuals, like the (in?)famous "iguana cam." It IS true that the plot (and the way this plot is delivered to the audience) has a bit of a perfunctory, almost TV-procedural quality to it. But part of me actually likes this conceit, because it throws the unhinged nature of Cage's character into sharper relief, and also plays with audience expectations as far as the whole "loose cannon cop who gets results" trope is concerned. More playing with audience expectations can be found in the ending as well, but I don't want to get too spoilery on here.

A couple of things:

• I really, really like the score in this. Almost Hermann-esque at times, I really liked it. Also Herzog reuses the music from the famous dancing chicken scene in Strozsek for a shoot-out, which fit perfectly I might add.
• I don't know how many of my readers are fans of the TV show Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, but Val Kilmer's delivery (and repetition) of the line "there ain't no iguana" is EXACTLY like Moltar's saying "there ain't no village" on an episode of Space Ghost. It's got to be a coincidence, but if the chronology were reversed and Space Ghost came AFTER Port of Call New Orleans, I'd be certain it was an intentional reference.
• The reason there aren't any ads on the site anymore is because apparently it's against Google Adsense policy to display ads on sites with "mature content." This, I think it goes without saying, is fucking bullshit. I thought this was the fucking internet, not goddamn American Idol. Fuck you Google Adsense -- we had made almost 3 dollars from ad clicks on this site. Three fucking dollars.
  

Oh my GOD (aka "Breaking Bad 3.4: Green Light)

Grade: A+. This was either as good as or within the same range as "Grilled" (2.2), the best hour of television ever on television.

I don't think I can provide a sophisticated review because I liked this so damn much. The deepest analysis I can compose myself enough to think of is that everyone is losing it, career-wise, at the same time (except Jesse and Saul and Mike the Cleaner, I guess). Ted and Skyler are totally embarrassed at work, Walt is fucking crazy and Hank is almost there.

Here are some scattered and over-emotional observations: I came up with "A+" approximately seven minutes into the episode and spent part of it waving my hands at the computer in sheer delight. First of all: The Beneke waiting room magazine Walt is reading is "Fabrication Quarterly." Ha, ha. Then, SAUL FUCKING GOODMAN in that fucking scene. Oh my god, is he on or is he on. Also, "It's not that bad to have someone watching your back" gave me chills. I really, really, really like Mike the Cleaner. He really sells the "normal guy with a job" aspect of crime.

I can't tell to what extent I think Walt cracking the fuck up is overplayed or not. Sure, it's kind of funny, and we all know Bryan Cranston can be funny (and has been in the two previous seasons--I REALLY liked that scene where he accosts Hank in the fake-Heisenberg arrest scheme), but . . . I don't know. I read somewhere once that Wesley from "Angel" is one of television's best examples of a character who undergoes a totally believable, perfectly gradual yet radical transformation from show's beginning to end. Coincidentally, Wesley also starts out as a nebbish and ends up a total fucking badass with cringe-inducingly compromised morals. I guess I should withhold skepticism for a bit but I still don't feel like the show has completely earned audience acceptance of Walt's wacky antics.

When Walt got in Jesse's car I said out loud "That car is going to drive away with Walt's box on top." Yup. I thought their exchange was a particularly compelling illustration of their role reversal--Jesse focused businessman, Walt over-emotional freaker outer. When Jesse was showing Walt the finished product and averring that he wouldn't use again, I considered--might Walt ever do meth? It seems to go with the role reversal schema. It's an interesting question. Now that Walt seems to have zero moral qualms whatsoever, why shouldn't he try the goddamn product if it's so kickass? But in any event, another thing I shouted at my computer was STOP BEING A DOUCHEBAG, MOTHERFUCKER. Oh yeah, and LOL at "They'd know, wouldn't they?"

Skyler: You're not supposed to make photocopies with the lid open; it wastes toner. But I thought that her and Ted's conversation was both weirdly cute and sort of embarrassing to watch. Did anyone else get that? Like I could barely look when she kissed Ted last ep.

And here's my favorite thing about this episode: The fucking fake out in the questioning room. Oh my god, I have no doubt every viewer was fucking shocked when it wasn't the girl. AND THEN IT WAS! This is such a textbook illustration of why Breaking Bad is the greatest show on television.

Anyway, this episode really hopped along. I don't have any complaints--I like a fast paced episode, and after the last few, which I felt were pretty slow, this was a great chance of pace. And finally, Jesse. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. (This is the least rational part of this review) I am like dying of nerves for Jesse. Look at him in that first scene. Look at him talking to Walt in the car. Look at him talking to Saul fucking Goodman. What excellent acting. Look how great he looks smoking a cigarette.

So to make this more interactive, I'll throw out two questions for our readers:
1. Do you guys think Walt will try the meth this season? I've become fascinated by this idea.
2. Any suggestions for how I can meet and marry Aaron Paul (who, I know, is not actually Jesse Pinkman)?