KICKASS

THIS GOT OFF TO A GOOD START WHEN I HIT THE THEATER AT NOON AND THE SMOKIN HOT POPCORN GIRL WAS LIKE SO WHATS UP YOU PLAYING HOOKY TO SEE KICKASS AND I WAS LIKE FUCK YEAH HOTNESS YOU SHOULD COME DO THE SAME BECAUSE NONE OF THESE FAT FUCKS NEED POPCORN ANYWAY. SHE COULDNT COME ALONG BUT SHE GAVE ME A FREE MOUNTAIN DEW SO FUCK YEAH I WENT IN THERE WITH GOODWILL TOWARDS MEN OR AT LEAST CHICAS

ANYWAY THE MOVIE ANSWERS A QUESTION THAT IVE WONDERED ABOUT A LOT AND THAT IS THIS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU TAKE SOMETHING THATS COMPLETELY WACK AND INJECT IT WITH HARDCORE UNADULTERATED UNCUT FUCKING OWNAGE. IN THE CASE OF KICKASS YOU HAVE SOME WACKASS SPIDERMAN TYPE SHIT TAKING PLACE IN NEW YORK CITY ABOUT SOME DOUCHEY KID WHO ROCKS SOME AWESOME CLARENCE BODDICKER STYLE GLASSES THAT HE DOESNT REALLY NEED PLUS HE JACKS OFF ALL THE TIME. HES A STUTTERING DUMB FUCK AROUND THIS GIRL THAT HE LIKES AND HE HANGS OUT WITH SOME RAINN WILSON LOOKING TOOL AND SOME OTHER MOTHERFUCKER WHO I GUESS IS MUTE AND THEYRE ALWAYS BREAKING HIS BALLS ABOUT THIS OR THAT AND FINALLY HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO FOR NO GOOD FUCKING REASON SO ITS ALL SOME PRETTY BASIC SHIT COMPLETE WITH A DRONINGASS VOICEOVER THAT NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT

ALL THATS FINE AND FUCKING DANDY BUT ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES INTO IT I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK BECAUSE THIS WAS DIRECTED BY MATTHEW LAYER CAKE VAUGHN AND I KEEP HEARING ABOUT HOW ITS OWNAGE BUT SO FAR IT JUST LOOKS LIKE SUPERHERO MOVIE TO ME RIGHT DOWN TO THE UNFUNNY JOKES AND THE STUPIDASS GREEN COSTUME SO IM ABOUT READY TO WALK THE FUCK OUT

BASICALLY ITS THE SAME SHIT

THEN OUT COMES GOD CAGE IN A FAKE STACHE LEVELING A PISTOL AT A LITTLE GIRL AND MARK STRONG RUNNING SHIT LIKE THE AWESOME TALL BALD FUCK THAT HE IS PLUS JACKIE APRILE SR CALLING PEOPLE SCUMBAG IN HIS MOOKASS NEW YORK ACCENT AND IM LIKE ABOUT FUCKING TIME AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT MOTHERFUCKERS ARE GETTING STABBED AND SHOT AND BEAT ALL TO FUCK AND ITS A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER OF OWNAGE BASICALLY FROM THEN ON OUT

NOW THE BIG DEAL IN THE MOVIE IS HITGIRL WHOS CAGES DAUGHTER AND SHES THIS ELEVEN YEAR OLD GIRL WHO IS A FUCKING WHIRLING DERVISH OF MASS MURDER AND OWNAGE. SHE SHOOTS FUCKERS STABS FUCKERS BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF PEOPLE AND CAN EVEN MAKE PEOPLE BLOW THEIR OWN FUCKING BRAINS OUT AND BASICALLY SHE WILL FUCK YOU UP AND EVERYBODY YOU KNOW AND SHE WONT EVEN GIVE A FUCK PLUS SHE CAN TAKE A BEATING LIKE MOTHERFUCKING MICK FOLEY. ALREADY ALL OVER THE INTERNET I SEE PEOPLE PISSING AND MOANING ABOUT THIS LITTLE GIRL DEALING RUTHLESS OWNINGS WHOLESALE AND DROPPING THE FUCKWORD EVERY OTHER SENTENCE. THESE PEOPLE ARE BITCHES AND SHOULD NOT BE RECOGNIZED. HITGIRL IS THE REAL STAR OF THIS SHIT NOT THAT DOUCHE IN THE LEAD OR EVEN ANY OF THE AWESOME ACTORS IN IT BECAUSE THIS LITTLE CHICA IS OWNAGE IN GIRL SCOUT FORM AND I ALWAYS WANTED A SON BUT AFTER SEEING THIS SHIT I THINK ID ALMOST RATHER FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF CAGE AND RAISE A DAUGHTER IN THE WAYS OF DOMINANCE AND CARNAGE AND KNIFE FIGHTING

OWNAGE

IM ALSO GONNA SEE ABOUT GETTING A STROBE ATTACHMENT FOR MY .45 BECAUSE THAT THING FUCKING OWNED

NOW I WANNA MAKE A POINT RIGHT NOW ITS NOT ALL AWESOMENESS IN FACT ONCE RED MIST HITS THE SCENE I WAS LIKE WHOA WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED TO THIS MOVIE BECAUSE RED MIST AND THE ASSHOLE WHO PLAYS HIM IS A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT ALL LOOKING LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN BITCHASS NITE OWL FROM WATCHMEN AND MARILYN MANSON ON THAT ALBUM COVER WHERE HE HAS TITS. AND WHEN THEYRE CRUISING AROUND IN THAT FRUITYASS MISTMOBILE GROOVING TO THE SONG CRAZY BY THOSE TWO ASSHOLES WHO WERE ALWAYS DRESSING UP LIKE CLOCKWORK ORANGE BACK IN 2006 OR WHENEVER THE FUCK I WAS ABOUT READY TO LAUNCH MY 44 OZ MOUNTAIN DEW AT THE SCREEN. SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY PAINFULLY WACK SHIT AND WHEN THIS COMES OUT ON DVD IM GONNA MAKE MY OWN DIRECTORS CUT AND CHOP ALL THAT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT

RED MIST AND HIS FAT CHICK HAIR

MORE WACKNESS IS THAT THEY RECYCLED THE MUSIC FROM 28 DAYS LATER AND 28 WEEKS LATER BECAUSE ITS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ITS BAD ENOUGH WHEN THEY USE THE SAME SONG AS ANOTHER MOVIE BUT THIS IS THE SAME SCORE AND REALLY ITS JUST SOME LURCHING ASS METAL RIFFS SO ALL YOU DIRECTORS OUT THERE READING THIS DONT LOOT AWESOME MUSIC FROM OTHER MOVIES WHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE METAL JUST GIVE KERRY FUCKING KING A CALL TO LAY DOWN SOME TRACKS FOR YOU OR EVEN CHARLIE CLOUSER. I MEAN ITS ONE THING WHEN YOURE USING SOME AWESOME SHIT LIKE THE THEME FROM FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE BECAUSE IT AINT LIKE ENNIO MORRICONE GROWS ON TREES BUT METAL TRACKS SHOULD BE A LITTLE EASIER TO COME BY

IM ALSO GONNA MAKE NOTE TO THE FACT THAT MOST OF THE VIOLENCE AND OWNAGE IS MORE LIKE WANTED STYLE KINDA PLASTIC AND SLICK AND THATS FINE BUT I PREFER MY VIOLENCE TO BE MORE LIKE OUT FOR JUSTICE OR THE SHIELD OR GOODFELLAS JUST DOWN AND DIRTY AND HARDCORE AND MESSY. BUT THATS MY OWN PREFERENCE AND YOU CAN LIKE WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT

ANYWAY WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE THIS THING IS A SOLID B MOSTLY BECAUSE OF HITGIRL AND ALL THE MAYHEM ON DISPLAY