Sunday, April 4, 2010

CLASH OF THE TITANS

CLASH OF THE TITANS WAS PRETTY AWESOME I MEAN IT PROMISED MYTHICAL OWNAGE AND DELIVERED A LOT OF IT LOTS OF SCORPIONS LOTS OF DUDES MADE OUT OF WOOD AND LOTS OF WHATEVER THE FUCK THOSE THINGS WERE THAT RALPH FIENNES KEPT CHANGING INTO BUT IM NOT SURE WHY THE CGI WAS SO SHITTY. AND I WANTED MORE GODS AND LESS MEN BECAUSE I WAS SITTING THERE THINKING WOW I GUESS SAM WORTHINGTONS CREW IS OKAY EXCEPT I DONT EVEN REMEMBER WHO THE FUCK ANY OF THEM ARE AND BESIDES IM HERE TO SEE HADES DEALING OWNINGS AND ZEUS THROWING THUNDERBOLTS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE NOT SIX ASSHOLES STRAIGHT OUT OF 300 MOPING AROUND THE WOODS FOR AN HOUR. BASICALLY I WANT WHAT I PAID FOR. PLUS A LOT OF IT DIDNT REALLY MAKE SENSE TO ME. LIKE HADES AND ZEUS BOTH WANT TO OWN THE HUMANS SO REALLY WHATS THE ISSUE HERE JUST FUCKING OWN THEM ALL AND BE DONE WITH IT. ZEUS ALL PASSING OUT SWORDS AND COINS AND SHIT TRYING TO HELP OUT PERSEUS I SAY FUCK THAT. IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY BROTHER USED TO LET ME BEAT HIS ASS AT MORTAL KOMBAT EVEN THOUGH I KNEW FULL GODDAMN WELL I COULDNT BEAT HIM ON MY OWN. LIKE I DONT NEED YOUR CHARITY BITCH ILL TAKE A BEATING LIKE A MAN

BUT FUCK ALL THAT LETS TALK ABOUT LIAM NEESON. NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT LIAM NEESON IS SIX FOOT FIVE INCHES WORTH OF PURE OLD MAN TOUGH IRISH OWNAGE BUT CLASH OF THE TITANS CONFIRMS HIS UTTER GODHOOD BECAUSE NEESON SIGNING ON TO PLAY ZEUS DIDNT EVEN RATE AS CASTING NEWS. HOLY SHIT I REMEMBER READING SOME HEADLINE LIKE NEESON SET TO PLAY ZEUS AND I WAS LIKE WELL NO FUCKING SHIT WHO THE FUCK ELSE IS GONNA PLAY ZEUS ANSWER NOBODY. YOU WANT SOME SMUG SALT AND PEPPER ASSHOLE YOU CALL GEORGE CLOONEY. YOU WANT SOME OLD MOTHERFUCKER WHO REMEMBERS THE LBJ ADMINISTRATION BUT STILL ACTS LIKE HES 24 YOU CALL BRAD PITT. BUT WHEN YOU WANT SOMEONE TO PLAY THE KING OF ALL GODS AND THE ULTIMATE IN ANCIENT OLD WORLD MYTHOLOGICAL OWNAGE YOU DONT JUST CALL LIAM NEESON YOU GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES AND YOU PRAY TO HIM

RELEASE THE OWNAGE BITCH


AND THERES SOME SPOILERS IN THIS PARAGRAPH BUT JUST TO MAKE MY POINT THERES A PART IN CLASH OF THE TITANS WHERE SOME DUMBASS MORTAL KING IS TALKING SHIT ABOUT ZEUS SO WHAT DOES ZEUS DO? DOES HE PUT A PLAGUE ON THE KINGDOM? NO DOES HE SLAUGHTER ALL THE TOWNSFOLK OR WHOEVER THE FUCK? NO DOES HE LAUNCH A THUNDERBOLT UP THE KINGS ASS? NO DOES HE SAY FUCK IT LETS LET BYGONES BE BYGONES? FUCK NO WHAT HE DOES IS THIS. ZEUS GOD OF ALL GODS COMES DOWN OFF OF MOUNT OLYMPUS AND FUCKS THE QUEEN AND THEN HE SMIRKS ABOUT IT RIGHT AT THE KING AND THEN HE TURNS INTO A BIRD AND FLIES THE FUCK OUT OF THERE. NOW THAT IS OWNAGE ON A SCALE THAT EVEN I CAN BARELY COMPREHEND AND ITS NO WONDER THAT THE KING DUMPED HER FUCKING ASS IN THE SEA AFTERWARDS BECAUSE ITS NOT LIKE YOURE GONNA BAT CLEANUP AFTER THE GOD OF THUNDER. I MEAN HOLY SHIT ONCE YOUR GIRLS BEEN FUCKED BY A DEITY YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST CALL THE WHOLE THING OFF
Posted by at 4:24 PM
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6 comments:

  1. Holy shit. Please keep reviewing things because it's ten times more entertaining that actually watching it.

    You're spot the fuck on about Neeson playing Zeus. He IS a man with a very specific set of skills and those skills are being a total hard-ass. It's Hopkins playing Zeus in the upcoming Thor movie, what's your thoughts on that?

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  2. NOTHING BUT RESPECT FOR HOPKINS BUT HES OLD AS FUCK AND DOESNT HAVE THE BOOMING VOICE. SEE NEESONS STILL THAT AGE WHERE EVEN THOUGH HES SEEN AND DONE IT ALL HELL STILL BEAT YOUR FUCKING ASS AND BANG BEAVER ALL OVER TOWN. AND REMEMBER NOT ONLY IS ZEUS THE GOD OF THUNDER HES ALSO THE GOD OF FUCKING SO BOTH OF THOSE ELEMENTS ARE EQUALLY IMPORTANT AND HOPKINS DOESNT HAVE ANY OF THAT ANYMORE. PLUS THE LAST TIME I SAW ANTHONY HOPKINS IN ANCIENT ROBES WAS IN ALEXANDER AND HE WAS ALSO WEARING SOME FRUITY BALD CAP AND HE BASICALLY STUNK UP THE JOINT LIKE AN OLD HAM

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  4. WAIT FORGET ALL THAT SHIT HOPKINS IS PLAYING ODIN NOT ZEUS

    I WAS WONDERING WHY THE FUCK ZEUS WOULD BE IN THOR. LIKE HOLY SHIT MAYBE BUDDHA ANQI SHENG AND MOTHERFUCKING QUETZACOATL SHOW UP TOO

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  5. Neeson as Zeus was an inspired choice (and an obvious one), but I wish they had made Zeus' glowing armor look more badass.

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